It’s often very hard for people with eating disorders to share their struggle with others. If they have chosen to share this with you, it’s likely that you already have a trusting relationship. If possible, it’s important to continue to build this relational safety.
These are some responses that might be helpful:
Give the person your full attention and listen without judging them or dismissing their concerns. You don’t need to ‘fix it’ – just be with them.
Everyone’s journey is unique, and this question gives the person the opportunity to share what is helpful for them. Sometimes they will be able to give you a specific answer, and at other times they might not be sure. Either way is OK.
You don’t need to be an expert, but it can help to know a little about eating disorders. You might like to start by looking at some common ways that people respond to eating disorders that are well-intentioned, but best to avoid (see kindly do, kindly don’t). Then you might want to take a deeper dive into our ABCs of Eating Disorders and further resources.
Find out whether the person is engaged with professional eating disorder support. If not, encourage them to seek this support. They might like you to help them find an available healthcare provider (see resources). You could offer to accompany them to their first appointment for support.
Some people with eating disorders might appreciate ‘check-ins’ and practical support around food. Others feel uncomfortable or confronted by this. Some may be receiving this type of support elsewhere.
It’s usually best only to offer food-related support if the person experiencing an eating disorder has asked you to do this. If they do, clarify with them specifically how they would like you to help. Share with them whether you are able and comfortable to provide this type of support. Remember, it is not your role to fix the problem.
Recognise that the person might find it too difficult to come to events involving food. Still invite them, but don’t pressure them to provide a reason if they decline. You might also like to think about other social events that don’t involve food or exercise that you could invite them to attend.
Having and recovering from an eating disorder can be consuming. The person might appreciate practical support. Would they like help with transport? Mowing the lawn? Washing the car? Calling healthcare providers to find one who is available to see them? Cooking meals for their family (make sure you check whether they want you to do this before you proceed, as receiving meals may not always be helpful for someone experiencing an eating disorder)? Or something else?
If the person is open to it and you are comfortable, you might be able to offer spiritual support.
What is helpful will depend on the person. Some things that others have found helpful include:
Within a safe relationship, it might sometimes be appropriate to discuss how a Christian framework could reframe the person’s eating disorder beliefs and behaviours. However, this should be done with great care and without judgement. Some people have found that realising that their eating disorder behaviours were not aligned with God’s desire for them helped them to change. However, others just experience guilt and shame when they sense that they are ‘abusing’ God’s creation (their body) through their eating disorder behaviours but feel unable to change. It is important to be aware that some uses of Scripture can exacerbate shame, and that some Scriptures can be misconstrued by the eating disorder to reinforce disordered behaviours.
Eating disorders are long journeys. Recovery often takes years – it very rarely happens overnight. Gentle check-ins, along with prayers and ongoing practical support are often welcomed. And remember to look after yourself in this process. You might like to visit the resources page for links to further supports.
When I’ve been in hospital, just the love and support [Christian friends have] given my family, being there for my kids and my husband. I think that makes me feel a lot happier than other people supporting not just me but them as well. And just knowing someone who’s praying for you…sending me words of encouragement and just prayer. I think that’s the biggest thing. Knowing that I’m not doing this on my own, but I have people who are in a prayer battle for me too.
