Frustration and weariness is common and normal when you are supporting someone experiencing an eating disorder. Providing support is often a marathon that can extend over many years. It is common for improvement – if and when it occurs – to be slow and non-linear, with steps forwards and backwards.
It doesn’t help that the health system can be confusing and difficult to navigate, and that there can be wait times to access services. People who have been through this journey want you to know to expect this and persevere. In Australia, the Inside Out Institute website is one source of helpful information about how the health system works and how to access care.
It can seem impossible to care for yourself while you’re caring for someone with an eating disorder. But it is important, especially because this is likely to be a long journey. Christian carers may draw on their faith to help them. Some share that they pour out their hearts in prayer to God (Ps 62:8), and that they find comfort in the promises of His presence with them (Heb 13:5), His grace in their weakness (2 Cor 12:9) and His help to endure (1 Cor 10:13).
It’s also important to consider where you can find support from other people. Carer workshops can reduce carer burden and distress.³ And might you be able to share this journey with close friends? Family? Members of your faith community? A support group? Your GP? A professional counsellor? You don’t have to walk alone.
It is very common for family members to wonder whether they contributed to their loved one developing an eating disorder, and to struggle with feelings of guilt.1 This can be deeply painful.
These struggles are very real. Yet, eating disorders are complex and multi-dimensional. Many people with eating disorders come from healthy, loving families. And the important role of the family in recovery is increasingly recognised in eating disorder treatment – families are often an integral part of the person’s support team. Research suggests that focusing on how to move forward in supporting your loved one is more helpful than wondering whether you might have been able to prevent the disorder or blaming yourself for it.2
Christian faith can help with this. One parent shared that the assurance that ‘there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus’ (Rom 8:1) helped them to reflect on the past without ‘unravelling’, and then move forward and embrace each new day.
If a sense that you are to blame for your loved one’s eating disorder is an ongoing struggle for you, you might like to consider seeking professional assistance. For example, a Christian counsellor, or a mental health professional with experience in eating disorders may be able to help.
God knows your pain. Jesus was no stranger to conflict and rejection from those close to him (Mk 3:21-35, Lk 4:22-30). And he describes God as a Father awaiting the return of His prodigal son. He sees your suffering and he cares (Ps 56:8).
Eating disorders affect a person’s ability to think clearly and relate to others, especially when they are experiencing the effects of starvation. In some eating disorders, terror of eating and of weight gain can prompt resistance to attempts at support. Some people find it helpful to think of the eating disorder as being separate from their loved one, particularly when they act in ways that are out of character and hurtful. There are several resources available if you would like to explore this further.
Unconditional love is one of the things that people with eating disorders most need. Yet, setting loving boundaries may be wise. Knowing how to maintain both of these together can be difficult. Each situation is unique – support groups, healthcare professionals or Christian counsellors may help you to navigate this sensitive area.
Churches and faith communities are spaces where both a person experiencing an eating disorder and their friends or family members may attend and have relationships. Some people experiencing an eating disorder don’t want others to know about it. This can be a difficult for people close to them who might need support from their faith community, yet feel that seeking this would betray their loved one’s trust.
This can be a delicate balance, and each individual situation is unique. You might consider sharing with your loved one that you need support for yourself, so are going to share the journey with a small number of close and trustworthy support people. Or you might consider engaging in carers’ support groups where other members are unlikely to know your loved one (see resources). Your needs and your loved one’s comfort with disclosure may also change over time – this might be something that you find yourself revisiting from time to time.
Faith communities can be a valuable source of support for people amidst life’s struggles. Unfortunately, though, sometimes people – Christians included – respond in unhelpful ways to people experiencing eating disorders and those close to them. This can take a variety of forms, from simply being unsure how to help, to responding with judgement and even spiritual abuse.
Remember – even though those in your faith community may not understand or empathise with your journey, God does. He understands and loves you deeply (Ps 139:1-6, Ps 103:11-12), He cares for you (1 Pet 5:7), and He will never leave you (Heb 13:5).
Depending on your situation, you might like to consider whether any of the following could be helpful:
Concerns that a loved one with an eating disorder could die are real and excruciating. Full recovery from eating disorders is possible (especially with appropriate treatment) and most eating disorders don’t end in death – but some do. While carers can offer support and facilitate care, they often feel helpless because they cannot fix the problem.
Christian faith offers encouragement and comfort to some people who are wrestling with this reality. It can do so in different ways for different people. For some, it helps to know that they are not alone in the journey, as God walks alongside them. Some believe that their loved one will recover, finding hope in this and in their trust that God will use the eating disorder to achieve a good purpose. Others find comfort in trusting in God’s loving Sovereignty whatever the outcome. This takes a heavy burden of responsibility off their shoulders, although they continue to work and pray for their loved one’s recovery.
These perspectives do not take away the pain of concern for a loved one. However, they may offer hope and comfort as you walk this journey.
